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‘Grief is the price we pay for love’. These words were gifted to us via Queen Elizabeth II in the aftermath of the 9/11 tragedy, a time of great communal grieving and confusion. We are all well acquainted with the idea that grief is a complex and painful process that everyone goes through at some point in their lives. However, not all grief is acknowledged or accepted by society - we call this disenfranchised grief. Disenfranchised grief is grief that is neither openly acknowledged by our community nor socially supported.
Disenfranchised grief can be caused by a variety of events, including missed opportunities, friendships that never progressed beyond the acquaintance stage, avoided conversations, the life not lived due to disability or carer responsibilities and dreams that were set on fire by our fear.
Other losses may include the loss of income from a failed career, children growing up and moving on, and a loss of energy and vitality as a result of illness or the ageing process. It can arise from times of violation and abandonment, as well as the suffering we see in our society and on our planet. We experience this grief from the rejections we have felt and inflicted on others and from the times when we felt cut off from, and denied to others, the sustaining touch of comfort and love.
Recognizing and acknowledging disenfranchised grief is important because it can have a significant effect on a person's emotional and mental well-being. When a person suffers a loss that is not recognised or accepted by society, they may feel isolated, alone, and misunderstood.
People who are mourning a loss that is not acknowledged or supported by society may believe that their grief is unjustified or that they should not be grieving at all. Who here has heard the implied ‘just get on with it’ message that is received from members of our community that do not know how to recognise or support our sorrows? This can lead to feelings of shame or guilt about our grief, exacerbating negative emotions.
‘When the soul is denied the opportunity to grieve, sorrow transforms into symptoms of depression, anxiety, dullness, and despair.
When we are unable to express our sorrow, it recedes into the shadows and resurfaces as symptoms. When left unattended, our unexpressed sorrows, the clogged stories of loss, block our access to our soul. This gravis curtain prevents us from accessing our gratitude and consequently feeling joy in life.
Those who truly mourn return with knowledge gathered in the darkness. These women and men become our elders, the ones who can keep the village together in times of tremendous difficulty. Without this awareness and desire to be shaped by life, we stay trapped in adolescent avoidance and heroic striving strategies. In this state we are denied access to the full wisdom of maturity and the trust that comes with that.’ (Paraphrased from the work of Francis Weller)
Grief is a rich and rewarding part of the human experience. When we deny ourselves the experience of grief, we deny ourselves the deep learning and deep love that is available to us via our shared sorrows. It is the type of work that can bring the lost and denied pieces of ourselves into wholeness. To bear witness on another’s grief is the honourable obligation all the villagers share.
Would you like a healthier relationship with grief? What might improve in your life if you increased your sense of wholeness? Is it likely that you would feel more grounded and have a greater sense of safety? Hold those questions in your body and see how your body responds. Is there a sense of anticipation and relief?
To learn more about our workshops on Disenfranchised Grief, email me: imaginalcoaching@internode.on.net
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