What do I know about fitting in?

I grew up in red dirt country. Hours away from the big smoke, surrounded by sheep, flies, and big, open skies. My father moved us all north when I was about two and a half years old, and that was where I stayed until I moved away to finish school at 16.

It was an idyllic way to live as a child. You were free to fit your school work in around what was happening on the station and were pretty much left to your own devices for the rest of the time. There was plenty of time for mucking around with horses, dogs, and bikes, and loads of room for exploring.

For the most part, it was just my parents, younger brother and myself on the property. We did have seasonal workers come in for shearing and feral animal control, and no station experience is complete without the quintessential jackeroo. It was also the era when children were seen and not heard, and not seen too often either-unless you needed them for work, of course.

Our School of the Air lessons ran for about 20–30 minutes several times a week. Correspondence lessons were completed in 2 week "sets" and needed to be posted to Adelaide regularly via the weekly mail truck. My mother was our school teacher and had her hands full with my brother, who struggled significantly with dyslexia, requiring me to be an independent learner.

It doesn't take much imagination to understand the impact these things had on my ability to create connections and communicate with other people. Most of the people I did get to spend time with were people who had the same life experiences and the same limited communication skills that I had. We did spend a few years travelling to Buckleboo to play sports, which was great fun, but we were rarely there long enough to form bonds or friendships due to the long drive back home.

Now imagine being a 16-year old girl and walking into a year 11 classroom for the first time in your life with a room full of students who have grown up together their whole lives. I was boarded with a lovely family in town, but I had only met them once before I moved in and had no idea how to access the support and understanding on offer. They were strangers in a strange land, and I was struggling to navigate the complexities of high school girls and their ceaseless mean-ness.

I found the world to be a confusing and scary place to be for many years after I left the bush. I never quite felt part of anything. It always seemed like I was missing some vital piece of information that everyone else but me had. If I was to be completely honest with you, I still feel that way at times. However, during the subsequent decades, I did learn to catch up, for the most part, and it took a lot of work. Many bridges were burned, relationships were ruined, and opportunities were lost.

I do know a thing or two about fitting in. I know how it feels to not fit in too. Small talk remains a struggle for me, and if I am not careful, it is easy to come across as disinterested or cold in social or work situations. I am not sure if it will ever feel second nature to me when it comes to creating connections and having conversations, but I have developed some pretty good strategies for making it look like I know what I am doing.

Not for one moment do I resent the my childhood lifestyle. And accepting that does not minimise the impact it has had on the subsequent decades of adulthood. It has been really difficult and very lonely at times. The insight I have into the struggles some people have in creating connections and having conversations is a big part of what motivates me to help people uncover ways to improve their strategies.